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Turning this into a 4 part post 😂 If, upon co

Turning this into a 4 part post 😂

If, upon collecting our child they should burst into tears and seemingly vomit their feelings all over us, we should take comfort in knowing that all is right with their emotional recovery process. It is a good thing that their feelings are inhibited in school so they can preform in a wounding environment and not become dysfunctional because of hurt feelings. It is a wonderful thing that our child experiences us as a safe place for their feelings to catch up with them. And it is pivotal to their emotional health that their feelings are recovered so they can do their work of cultivating resilience and growing our child up. This is all as it should be emotional speaking; we don't need to know the details about what happened in school or with their schoolmates for emotional recovery to happen.
As our children go back to school let us resolve to provide for them an après-school experience where their feelings can catch up with them. There could be no better investment in their emotional health and well-being.

Part 3 😂 a long one today ... So what is the a

Part 3 😂 a long one today ...

So what is the answer to this dilemma in which the children of today are spending a good portion of their day with their brains actively defending against feeling? The answer, in short, is not so much what happens IN school but what happens AFTER school! The very feelings that have been tuned out when under duress are meant to bounce back when the threat is over and the child feels safe. But this has to happen in a timely way, or the brain loses the ability to properly interpret the feelings and link them to the triggering events.

In other words, school children desperately need an end-of-the-school-day-experience where their feelings can bounce back. They need a safe place where emotions can thaw out, where emotional armour can be doffed, where their feelings can catch up with them, where the impact of stress can be reversed. This bounce-back experience is pivotal … and the sooner it happens after being shoehorned into a wounding environment, the better.

Safety is key. There are two natural oases of safety for children. A child feels safe when feeling close to someone to whom they are deeply attached. A child also feels safe when fully engaged in an emotional playground; this can be a piece of music, a favourite story, a solitary space, some pretend play, or even creating a piece of art. Screen play doesn’t serve as an emotional playground as it is too stimulating and outcome based to serve the emotions. My favourite emotional playground as a child was a swing my father built me. I recently realized that I have never grown out of this emotional playground nor my need for it; rarely does a summer day end that doesn’t have me on a swing in wait for my feelings to catch up with me. Unfortunately the end-of-the-day rituals and customs that enabled emotional recovery are fast disappearing in our society.
Contd next post

Back to school Part 2 ... The irony is that this

Back to school Part 2 ...

The irony is that this epidemic loss of feeling is largely going unnoticed and unrecognized. When children lose their feelings, they perform better in stressful and wounding situations. When children lose their feelings, they seem less troubled, less upset, less concerned, less impacted. When children lose their feelings, they can seem to most adults, experts included, that they are actually doing better. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The terrible truth of the matter is that this loss of feeling is at the very root of the troubles our children are having (and in turn, the troubles we are having with them). Developmental science has come to understand that feelings are essential to emotional health and well-being, to emotional maturation, to fulfilling togetherness, to becoming fully human and humane. Feelings are the heart of the matter, so to speak. We can only afford to lose our feelings for a relatively short period of time: when performance becomes more important than growth, when ‘doing’ becomes more important than ‘being’, when the conditions for the realization of potential need to be sacrificed for the work of the moment.

Photography by @positivelypearson

I wanted to share Dr.Neufeld’s beautiful reflect

I wanted to share Dr.Neufeld’s beautiful reflection message on back to school for those of you with kiddies heading back ...

Part 1 ...
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
“School is stressful for most kids – even if they enjoy it and can’t wait to go. The reason for this is simple: stress is caused by facing separation of one kind or another. Like all mammals, we are dependent upon togetherness to survive, so it follows that facing separation is what threatens us to our very core. Since togetherness can be experienced in many ways – being with, being like, being on the same side, being part of, mattering to, feeling loved by, or even being known and understood – the ways of facing separation are equally varied. And for the most part they remain hidden from view, unless one knows how and to whom (or to what) a child is attached. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Going to school – no matter how much a child loves school – will involve facing separation from his or her working attachments. If one is attached to grades (as I was), school can be a never-ending source of alarm. School is even more stressful if the primary reason for going to school is to be with one’s friends. If one is attached to one’s peers (as most of my boyhood friends were), any sense of closeness is accompanied by an increased apprehension of the separation that can ensue, and ultimately does. And the more important one’s peers are to a child, the more stressful the peer interaction becomes and the deeper the wounding. So school, for all of these reasons and more, is stressful. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I find myself, like millions of other parents, hoping that the sensitivities of our children (and grandchildren) will not be too overwhelmed by what awaits them in the corridors, in the classroom, or in the school-yard. However, for many it will be overwhelming and there is little we can do about that. But I know something now that I didn’t know as a beginning parent. Contd in the next post ...

❤️ from @terrademama ❤️ #cio #ferber #sle

❤️ from @terrademama ❤️

#cio #ferber #sleeptraining #sleeptrainingsucks #sleeptrainingbaby #sleeptrainer #sleeptrainingbaby #sleeptrainingtips #sleeptrainingtoddler

Yup ... I vividly remember going to pick out a bea

Yup ... I vividly remember going to pick out a beautiful crib and bassinet thinking that is where my baby would sleep. I read all the books ... "just place them in the crib 'drowsy but awake' and they will drift off to sleep.

Brought her home, put her down to sleep like the book said and she SCREAMED! She wouldn't sleep in the crib and I tried EVERYTHING!!!!

Very first question I ever 'dr.googled', "why won't my baby sleep in the crib?"

I want you to know that it is NORMAL for babies to not want to sleep away from you ❤️ Babies and children don’t do separation very well - they were never meant to. They feel safest with you, you are their whole world and in the first year they can only attach through the senses. This means that if they don't hear you or smell you or see you, they may feel scared and unsafe. Falling asleep is a very vulnerable state ... we need to feel safe and secure to sleep ❤️

If your baby won't sleep in the crib or bassinet:
- Know that this is normal ❤️
- Learn how to bedshare safely (check out the link in my bio)
- Consider finding ways to help them sense you where you are not there (could you sleep on the sheets or spill milk on the sheets so they smell you)
- Bring the crib into your room if you can (but also know that even this is sometimes still too much separation)
- Be patient, practice small amounts of time in the crib ❤️ Even during the day when they are awake - we want it to be a pleasant place to go and a safe place to remain.
- Can you transfer them into the crib asleep?

Be patient and know that it is normal if your baby doesn't want to sleep away from you ❤️ Bedsharing is the norm around the world ❤️

Do what works best for your family ❤️

#gentleparenting#consciousparenting#islagracesleep#respectfulparenting#responsiveparenting#attachmentparenting#motherhood#sleepandwellbeingspecialist#babyledsleep#babyledsleepcoach #childhood#sleepconsultant#sleepwithoutsleeptraining

Know that the push for solitary sleep started long

Know that the push for solitary sleep started long before the sleep training industry began. 500 years ago in major European cities, Catholic priests condemned sharing a bed with a baby when poor women confessed to crushing their babies intentionally to reduce their family size. Then, the creation of formula which allowed for parents to be apart from their babies. Then with the rising affluence of the middle class, more of a value on individualism which had peds pushing for solitary sleep for babies in order to have more intimacy for parents (McKenna). Emphasis on independence.

Studies on 'normal' infant sleep started around the 70s and looked at the baby of the 70s - a solitary sleeping, formula fed baby with no parental contact. This baby slept long stretches, was forced into being alone from day one (most babies at the time were separated from their parents immediately after birth and put in a nursery) in a time where we believed that independence and separation were absolutely necessary to getting confident and emotionally healthy kids as well as well-rested adults (important for the return back to work).

Perfect recipe for a new industry since we continue to define what is 'normal' by the studies from the 70s BUT we have babies who are mostly breastfed, used to contact from day one, and are mostly sleeping with their parents (at least room-sharing) because of safety recommendations from the medical community. So ... we use the studies to say that 'most babies at 6 months are sleeping through the night and don't need a feed', then parents whose babies rely on them for contact in times of new milestones/separation anxiety/growth spurts etc. feel awful because their baby wakes and needs to eat/snuggle. Instead of sharing what is actually normal for the contact seeking/breastfed baby (yes, those studies are starting to surface), we tell them there is something wrong with their baby, that the parent will be harming their development, and for 100s of dollars we can help them fix it. There is NO NEED to fix NORMAL. Tell people that something normal isn't normal, then pay me to fix it 😡. So much to say on this topic, not enough space!

#sleeptraining

Our babies and children can't vocalize their deepe

Our babies and children can't vocalize their deepest needs - the need to feel safe and loved, the need to see our eyes light up and the invitation to exist in our presence ALWAYS (when they are happy, sad, frustrated - that invitation to exist can't be only when they are behaving in the way that we want), the need to receive more contact and closeness and proximity than they ask for ❤️.

Whenever in doubt, offer MORE- more snuggles, more cuddles, more time to connect, more contact. You can solve almost all 'challenging' behaviours with connection and contact (by reducing separation)❤️.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

You are an amazing parent ❤️

Thank you to all the parents who shared their snuggles for this reel ❤️

#attachment #responsiveparenting #responsiveparenting #breastfeeding #parenting #parentingwithintention #snuggles #cuddles #islagracesleep #babyledsleep #nosleeptraining

I want to start this one off my saying I absolutel

I want to start this one off my saying I absolutely believe that blanket statements about something being safe for all are VERY dangerous. I also will not make a blanket statement that it always works for better sleep ... it isn't for everyone. You are the only one that can decide what is best for you and your family ❤️.

Because so many parents are afraid to admit to their primary care providers that they are #bedsharing (for fear of being shamed/reprimanded), we are putting babies at risk by not giving safe bedsharing information.

Today I am going to share some bedsharing safety tips/things to consider. I can't fit them all here so please see the full list through the link in my bio. Information from Professor McKenna (bedsharing expert).

- Adult beds were not designed to assure infants safety. The mattress must be firm!
- Bedsharing safety studies have only been done (as of right now) on breastfed babies and therefore we can only say that safe bedsharing means a breastfed baby (this is not to shame anyone, just to share what we know). So...Bottlefeeding (with formula)babies should always sleep alongside the mother on a separate surface rather than in the bed.
- Both parents should agree and feel comfortable with the decision. Each bed-sharer should agree that he or she is equally responsible for the infant and acknowledge before sleeping that they are aware that the infant is present in the bed space. Do not place an infant in the bed with a sleeping adult who is not aware that the infant is in the bed with them. This is why preparation is important vs bringing them in at night out of desperation
- Infants a year or less should not sleep with other/older child siblings
- Anyone taking sedatives, medications or drugs, or intoxicated from alcohol or other substances, or otherwise excessively unable to arouse easily from sleep should not cosleep on the same surface with the infant.
- Long hair should be tied up to prevent infant entanglement around the infant's neck.

Know that in many countries, sleeping away from baby is unheard of. In many countries bedsharing is the only option (not being able to afford a separate sleep surface).

You do you ❤️

I am still hearing ALL THE TIME that having a baby

I am still hearing ALL THE TIME that having a baby who depends on you is a bad thing, that they need to learn to be independent through 'teaching' a 'training' ... 😞

Babies are not meant to be independent, they are BABIES. They rely on us to meet ALL their needs. That is what they are supposed to do! It is NORMAL and HEALTHY to have a baby who needs us for EVERYTHING and wants to be close. They sleep better with us/on us/closer to us which is understandable since they only attach through the senses in the first year (need to be close).

More often than not, the 'independence teaching/training' comes through using separation (the most WOUNDING experience for all humans - attachment = survival, separation is our greatest threat). Most of us had parents that LOVED to use separation to get their desired outcome ... crying - go to your room in hopes that the crying stops (separation), bad grades - withhold love and affection (separation), not sleeping - close the door and don't come back until you stop calling (separation), want to leave the park but the toddler doesn't - threaten to leave and use the intense pursuit that comes when you threaten separation to get them to follow (separation), 'bad behaviour' - time out (separation).

Separation is still often used in order to 'train' and 'teach' independence. We see it in the sleep world A LOT. Leave your baby at night when they call because they need to learn to sleep independently. Don't hold your baby too much or help them to sleep because they need to learn to sleep independently. In other words, use separation in order to get independence. This idea lacks an understanding of how true independence actually happens - after YEARS of being able to deeply depend ❤️. That's right, the more your baby and toddler can depend on you, the more independent they will become as they grow.

I know I will get lots of questions about the sleep trained babies who now sleep 'independently' or the toddlers who don't need support from their parents anymore because they are so independent after using separation, this is not true independence. What you are seeing is defences being erected around facing too much separation.

Yes, that is correct... you cannot teach or train

Yes, that is correct... you cannot teach or train self-soothing to a baby.

Babies cannot be taught to self-soothe!

Please know that hearing this information can be uncomfortable if you did something to teach your baby to self-soothe that maybe didn’t sit right. For me, I sleep trained my oldest using CIO because I thought she needed to learn to self-soothe 😞

This is one of the BIGGEST LIES in the sleep world. This idea that leaving your baby to cry is teaching them how to #selfsoothe. That is not how it works!

The terms was created by Dr.Tom Anders in the 1970s to distinguish babies who signal vs. those who did not (think of it more as a temperament trait). He NEVER said that it was a skill that can be taught, especially by leaving children to cry.

When babies are left alone, they do not understand that when you leave, you come back and are crying from a place of stress. They have moved up the arousal scale to a state of being flooded and then they shut down. They are alarmed. Dr. Stuart Shanker (who has dedicated his entire career to self-regulation) states, “It’s the brain’s last mechanism for protecting itself from severe energy depletion.” The brain shuts the baby down.

Crying and then calming would be self-regulation and that doesn’t happen until well into childhood (some adults can’t even self-regulate) and after years of co-regulating with their caregivers ❤️

Instead of focusing on self-soothing, support your little ones when they are crying - being a calm presence with lots of love will help them to EVENTUALLY self-regulate.

#selfsoothing #selfsoothingskills #sleeptraining #babysleep

We need to stop with this! At this point, the sham

We need to stop with this! At this point, the shaming and fear mongering around bedsharing and SIDS is absolutely insane. Here are a few facts that we now know (and should be sharing with parents) ...

- IN 2017, 183 BABIES DIED OF SIDS IN THE UK: 0.03% OF ALL BIRTHS7
Previous UK data suggests:
■ around half of SIDS babies die while sleeping in a cot or Moses basket.

HALF in a cot or Moses basket! HALF! So let's not keep pushing the idea that bedsharing is the reason if half are passing in a crib!

- Latest research findings:
"We conclude that a previously unidentified cholinergic deficit, identifiable by abnormal -BChEsa, is present at birth in SIDS babies and represents a measurable, specific vulnerability prior to their death."
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/ebiom/article/PIIS2352-3964(22)00222-5/fulltext

This is new research, PRELIMINARY research but also very exciting to see that we are now moving towards looking for an actual cause.

Know that mothers have slept with their babies throughout history (and it has been evolutionarily beneficial). Most countries with low SIDS rates regularly practice bedsharing (also breastfeed, do not smoke and use firm surfaces). Cosleeping is a tradition in at least 70% of documented cultures (McKenna). A separate sleep surface is a luxury most parents do not have.

Withholding safe bedsharing information is problematic as it is putting babies at risk. If there is any chance you are going to fall asleep with your baby at night, it is MUCH SAFER to have your space set up properly, to plan for your baby to be in bed and to make sure that your sleep space meets the proper guidelines. Falling asleep on a couch or rocker is NOT SAFE.

Please note, I am speaking about SIDS here. If you are not following the safe sleep guidelines (linked in my bio), your baby may be at risk of suffocation. Also, if you have a baby that is more prone to SIDS, according to the research (premature, smoking parent, no breastmilk), you would not want to be bedsharing.

Safe sleep guidelines linked in my bio ❤️

#bedsharing #bedsharingfamily #bedsharingmama #bedsharingisnormal

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