Why We Don’t Sleep Train
No Judgment — Just Information
I’m not here to judge anyone’s choices. I know how desperate sleep deprivation can make you feel. I know you’d do almost anything for rest.
But I want you to have all the information — including what sleep training actually does and why it appears to “work.”
What Is Sleep Training?
Sleep training is any method that involves following a plan rather than your instincts, with the goal of getting your baby to sleep independently.
This includes: – Cry-it-out (extinction): Leaving baby to cry until they fall asleep – Ferber method (graduated extinction): Checking on baby at timed intervals while they cry – Chair method: Sitting near baby but not responding, gradually moving further away – Pick up/put down: Repeatedly picking up and putting down baby
What all these methods have in common: they involve limiting your response to your baby’s signals.
Why It Appears to Work
Sleep training often “works” quickly — sometimes in just a few nights. Baby stops crying and seems to fall asleep on their own.
But here’s what’s actually happening:
Babies don’t learn to “self-soothe”
Self-soothing is a term created in the 1970s by researcher Thomas Anders. He observed that some babies signaled when they woke, and some didn’t. He called the non-signalers “self-soothers.”
But this was a temperament trait, not a learned skill. Some babies naturally don’t signal. Others do.
The concept of self-soothing was never meant to suggest that babies could calm themselves from extreme distress. The part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation isn’t developed yet in infancy.
What looks like self-soothing is often shutdown
When a baby is distressed and no one comes, they eventually stop crying. Not because they’ve soothed themselves, but because they’ve given up signaling.
Dr. Stuart Shanker explains that when babies become extremely distressed, they burn so much energy that they eventually fall asleep — not from self-soothing, but from exhaustion. He calls this “the brain’s last mechanism for protecting itself from severe energy depletion.”
The crying may stop, but the stress response doesn’t
Research has shown that even when sleep-trained babies stop crying outwardly, their cortisol (stress hormone) levels remain elevated. The behavioral response stopped, but the physiological stress didn’t.
What Separation Does to Babies
Developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains:
“Facing separation is one of the most wounding experiences of all… If we as adults feel hurt when ignored or when shunned, how much more do our children?”
When a baby is left alone to cry: – They experience alarm (cortisol spikes) – They feel frustrated – They pursue connection (crying harder) – Eventually, if no one comes, they shut down
This shutdown isn’t peaceful acceptance. It’s a defense mechanism.
The Historical Context
Sleep training is a relatively modern invention — and it came from a time when we understood very little about babies.
- 1920s: John B. Watson advised parents to kiss children only at night, only on the head
- 1940s: Benjamin Spock suggested putting baby down and walking out
- 1980s: Ferber and Weissbluth popularized the methods still used today
In the 1980s, babies were routinely separated from mothers at birth and kept in hospital nurseries. The importance of skin-to-skin contact, responsive feeding, and immediate bonding wasn’t understood.
We know so much more now. Why are we still using methods from then?
What the Rest of the World Does
Sleep training is largely a Western phenomenon.
In most cultures around the world: – Babies sleep with or near their parents – Night waking is accepted as normal – Babies are responded to when they cry – There is no expectation of “sleeping through the night” in infancy
And yet, babies in these cultures learn to sleep just fine — without being trained.
There IS Another Way
I’m not going to leave you with “don’t sleep train” and no alternatives. There IS another way.
It involves: – Understanding what’s actually normal for baby sleep – Ruling out underlying issues (see: red flags) – Strengthening attachment and connection – Understanding and supporting your baby’s emotions – Making gentle changes when something isn’t working — while staying present
It takes longer than sleep training. It’s more hands-on. But it keeps your relationship intact.
Your Baby Isn’t Broken
If your baby wakes at night, they’re not broken. If your baby needs you to fall asleep, they’re not manipulating you. If your baby cries when left alone, they’re doing exactly what nature designed them to do.
You responding to your baby isn’t creating a problem. It’s building trust.
Learn the full methodology: https://islagrace.ca/sleep-without-sleep-training/
For personalized support: https://islagrace.ca/sleep-coaching/
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