Understanding Your Baby’s Emotions
This Changes Everything
If there’s one thing that transforms how you experience your baby’s sleep — and your relationship with your baby — it’s understanding emotion.
When you can support ALL of your baby’s emotions, everything shifts.
Why Tears Are So Hard for Us
Many of us grew up with parents who were okay with some emotions and not others. Happy? Great. Sad or angry? Go to your room.
We learned that certain feelings weren’t welcome. And now, when our babies cry, our instinct is to make it stop — as fast as possible.
But here’s the thing: we’re not trying to soothe our baby. We’re trying to make ourselves feel better.
This isn’t a judgment. It’s just worth noticing.
What Tears Actually Do
Tears aren’t the enemy. They serve important purposes:
1. Physical release
When your baby cries, their body releases cortisol (the stress hormone) through their tears. This is why we often feel better after a good cry. It’s a physical release.
2. Adaptation
Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains that when we accept something we cannot change, we shift from our “fight” nervous system to our “rest” nervous system. The sign of this shift? Tears.
These are “tears of futility” — the kind that come when we stop fighting and start accepting. This is how we adapt to change.
Your baby has a LOT to adapt to. New environments. Limits. Changes. Growing up. They need these tears.
3. Connection
When your baby shares their big feelings with you, and you receive them without trying to fix or stop them, you become their safe place. They learn: “I can feel anything, and I’m still loved.”
Why This Matters for Sleep
So much of what we call “sleep problems” are actually emotion problems.
- You want to stop rocking to sleep, but your baby cries when you try something different
- You want to night wean, but your baby is upset about the change
- Bedtime takes forever because your baby seems to be fighting it
These aren’t sleep issues. They’re emotional reactions to change.
When you try to change a pattern — nursing to sleep, rocking, whatever it is — your baby will likely have feelings about it. That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign you’re changing something, and your baby needs to adapt.
The question isn’t: how do I avoid tears? The question is: how do I support my baby THROUGH their tears?
What Supporting Emotion Looks Like
1. Tune in
Before assuming what your baby needs, pause and observe. Are they hungry? Tired? Uncomfortable? Or are they upset about something they need to accept?
2. Acknowledge what they’re feeling
Even if they don’t understand words, your tone matters. “I know you want me to bounce you. That’s not happening right now. I’m here with you.”
3. Stay calm and present
You don’t have to fix the feeling. You just have to BE there. Hold them, make eye contact, speak softly. Let them know their big feelings are not scary to you.
4. Don’t rush it
Emotions need to move through. Let your baby cry in your arms for as long as they need to. This is not the same as crying alone — this is crying WITH someone who loves them.
What Supporting Emotion Is NOT
- Leaving your baby to cry alone
- Ignoring their distress
- Walking away because it’s hard
- Distracting them every time they’re upset
The goal isn’t to stop the tears. The goal is to be WITH them through the tears.
The Sleep Connection
Here’s what happens when you support emotion well:
Your baby cries about a change. You hold them, acknowledge it’s hard, and stay calm. They cry, maybe for a while. And then — they stop. Not because they gave up, but because they adapted.
Now they can fall asleep. The nervous system has shifted. The release happened. And you were there.
This is how gentle change works. Not by avoiding tears, but by being present for them.
When It’s Triggering for YOU
If your baby’s crying feels unbearable — if it makes you feel panicked, angry, desperate — that’s worth paying attention to.
Our reactions to our baby’s emotions often come from how our OWN emotions were handled as children. If your feelings were dismissed, ignored, or punished, your baby’s feelings might trigger something deep in you.
This isn’t your fault. But it’s worth working on — for your sake and your baby’s.
Consider: – Talking to a therapist – Journaling about your own childhood experiences – Taking the Understanding Emotion mini-course
The Mini-Course
If this resonates and you want to go deeper, I created a course specifically for this:
Understanding Emotion — The mini-course that changes everything.
In it, you’ll learn: – Why your toddler melts down (it’s not manipulation) – How to respond without losing your own mind – This is the foundation for everything else I teach
Take the course: https://islagrace.ca/understanding-emotion/
Use code SLEEP10% for 10% off.
Remember
Your baby’s tears are not your failure. Your baby’s emotions are not a problem to solve. Your presence is the gift.
When you can sit with your baby through their hardest feelings, you become their safe place — the person they can bring anything to.
That’s attachment. That’s connection. That’s what matters most.
For personalized support: https://islagrace.ca/sleep-coaching/
