Going Back to Work: Supporting Your Baby Through the Transition

Your Baby Was Designed for Closeness

Before we had cribs and nurseries and baby monitors, babies survived because they stayed close to their caregivers. Proximity meant safety. Separation meant danger.

Your baby’s brain still works this way.

When your baby protests being put down, when they wake the moment you leave, when they want to be held through every nap — they’re not being difficult. They’re doing exactly what nature designed them to do: stay close to you.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment is the deep emotional bond between a baby and their primary caregivers. It’s not just about love — it’s about your baby’s felt sense of safety and security.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a developmental psychologist, describes it this way:

“If we do not understand children through the lens of attachment — the most important and profound dynamic that affects every single atom and molecule — we miss the most important aspect of trying to make sense of what they are all about.”

For babies, attachment equals survival. When they feel securely attached, they can relax. When attachment feels threatened (through separation), they become alarmed.

Why Babies Hate Separation

For your baby, separation isn’t just uncomfortable — it’s alarming.

In the first year of life, babies attach through their senses: touch, smell, sight, sound. If they can’t sense you, they don’t know you’re there. This is why your baby might sleep peacefully in your arms but wake the moment you put them down.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara puts it simply:

“Young children don’t do separation. Separation is alarming for them. When you leave their room, all they feel is your absence.”

This is why: – Your baby wakes when transferred to the crib – Your baby protests naps alone but sleeps beautifully on you – Your baby wakes more in the second half of the night (after the deepest sleep, they’re in lighter sleep and more aware of separation) – Bedtime can be hard (they know it means hours away from you)

This isn’t a flaw. It’s biology.

The Six Stages of Attachment

According to Dr. Neufeld, attachment develops in stages over the first six years of life:

Senses (0-1 year): Baby attaches through physical proximity — touch, smell, sound, sight
Sameness (1-2 years): Toddler wants to be like their attachment figures
Belonging (2-3 years): Child wants to possess and be possessed by their people
Significance (3-4 years): Child wants to matter, to be special to their attachment figures
Love (4-5 years): Child gives their heart to their attachment figures
Being known (5-6 years): Child wants to share their secrets, to be truly known

In the first year, attachment is ALL about the senses. Your baby needs to feel you to feel safe.

Why This Matters for Sleep

Sleep training often works by “teaching” babies to stop signaling when they wake. But what’s actually happening is the baby is learning that no one is coming.

Dr. Allan Schore, a leading researcher on attachment and brain development, explains:

“A secure attachment happens when we have experiences where the caregiver allows the child to feel that predictably, their needs will be seen and responded to. They feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.”

When you respond to your baby at night, you’re not creating a bad habit. You’re building the foundation of a secure attachment.

This is what allows your child to eventually become independent — not because they were trained to be alone, but because they feel so secure in their connection to you that they can venture out from it.

What Does This Mean Practically?

It means: – Responding to your baby at night is good for their development – Contact naps are biologically normal – Nursing or rocking to sleep isn’t a “crutch” — it’s nature’s design – Your baby’s need for closeness isn’t a phase to rush through – You are not spoiling your baby by responding to them

It also means: – You can make gentle changes when something isn’t working – You can set loving limits while still supporting your baby’s emotions – You don’t have to sacrifice yourself completely – Finding ways to meet both your needs and your baby’s needs is possible

How to Strengthen Attachment

The best thing you can do for your baby’s sleep (and everything else) is to strengthen your connection:

Respond when they signal. This builds trust.
Be physically present. In the first year, your presence IS the comfort.
Make eye contact, talk, sing. Engage their senses.
Wear your baby. Babywearing provides closeness while freeing your hands.
Fill their cup during the day. Quality connection time helps them feel secure at night.
Sleep close when possible. Room-sharing (and safe bedsharing for some families) reduces separation stress.

Bridging Separation

When you do need to separate — for work, for bedtime, for your own sanity — you can help your baby by “bridging” the separation:

Give them something that smells like you
Use the same song or phrase at every goodbye and reunion
Tell them when you’re leaving and when you’ll be back (even if they don’t understand words yet)
Focus on the next connection: “When you wake up, I’ll be here”

You’re Doing the Right Thing

If you’re responding to your baby at night — you’re building attachment. If you’re holding your baby for naps — you’re building attachment. If you’re feeding your baby to sleep — you’re building attachment.

This closeness is not the problem. It’s the foundation for everything that comes next.

Want to understand more about the developmental science?

Book: Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté

Course: Sleep Without Sleep Training — https://islagrace.ca/sleep-without-sleep-training/

Use code SLEEP10% for 10% off.

For personalized support: https://islagrace.ca/sleep-coaching/