We have unrealistic expectations about sleep in the first year of life. This is probably the number one reason parents feel the need to sleep train. We expect that a baby can sleep through the night, they should be able to sleep in their own room, we will continue to be intimate with our partners, we will have our evenings to ourselves to relax, we will be able to maintain a clean home and cook wonderful dinners, and that we will be able to get out with friends because we won’t need to work the next day.
The reality? You may have a baby waking up at night, even after one year of age. You may have a higher needs baby that never wants to be put down. You may be too tired for intimacy, or may be all touched out. You will likely barely have time to clean the house, let alone make an elaborate meal. Getting out with friends may also feel like too big of a task, and you may end up feeling isolated.
What we don’t want is for you to feel like a failure. What we do want is for you to know what is normal in the first year after having a baby. This does not mean that you have to make changes – because you can always make changes down the road. Fortunately, your baby is likely already doing what they should be doing – or something close!
Understanding Your Baby’s Sleep Journey in the First Year
Why Baby Sleep Isn’t Linear
Baby sleep doesn’t follow a straight path from “bad” to “good.” Your baby might sleep longer stretches one week, only to wake more frequently the next. This isn’t regression – it’s normal development. Sleep patterns ebb and flow with growth spurts, developmental leaps, and your baby’s changing needs.
Setting Realistic Expectations for Infant Sleep
The biggest gift you can give yourself is letting go of the idea that babies should sleep through the night by a certain age. Some babies will, many won’t, and both are completely normal. Your baby’s sleep patterns are not a reflection of your parenting skills.
The First Month: Welcome to Newborn Sleep
What’s Actually Normal for Newborn Sleep Patterns
In the first month, it is NORMAL to have a baby who:
- Only wants to sleep on you
- Only wants to sleep in arms
- Feeds all day and all night
- Does not want to go into the bassinet or crib
- Takes a three-hour nap during the day AND is up every hour at night
- Is up in the middle of the night
- Is woken by their hands
- Does not go down awake and needs to nurse/rock/bounce to sleep
Why Your Baby Only Wants to Sleep on You
Your newborn spent nine months in the warmth and constant motion of your womb. The outside world is overwhelming! Contact sleep provides the comfort, warmth, and security they need to feel safe enough to rest.
Supporting Yourself Through Sleep Deprivation
For you, it’s normal to:
- Feel overwhelmed
- Feel resentful towards your partner
- Feel like you don’t know what you are doing
- Have the baby blues
- Struggle with breastfeeding (if you are choosing to breastfeed) – it is not easy for a lot of women
What You Can Do:
- Use a carrier, stroller, etc. to get naps
- Turn towards bedsharing (safely) despite safe sleep recommendations for crib sleep
- Try the bassinet for the first part of the night then bedshare (again safely)
- Feed on demand (for breastfeeding)
- ASK FOR HELP, set realistic expectations – it really does take a village
- Look for lactation support if you are breastfeeding
- Make a specific list of the ways that family/friends can best support you (they often don’t know)
- Say ‘no’ to house guests so you don’t find yourself entertaining
- Keep an eye on the baby blues and be sure to speak to your doctor if you aren’t feeling right
- Look for paid help such as a postpartum doula or night nurse to help with your baby and managing the house
- Speak to your partner about how you are feeling
- Practice self-care – see if you can find 2-3 small things that you can do every day that make you feel good
Months 2-3: The Fussy Period
Understanding the 6-Week Fussiness Peak
During months 2-3, it is NORMAL to:
- Experience a lot of the same challenges from Month 1
- Have more fussiness (peaks around 6 weeks) when their stimulus barrier starts to disappear (babies are born with a stimulus barrier to protect them from getting overwhelmed by the world)
- Sleep most of the day
Some babies will sleep longer periods at night at this age… Don’t expect that this is the new norm. Don’t get upset if this all changes in a month. If you are breastfeeding, I would strongly advise you not to go the whole night without feeding as this WILL impact your supply.
Managing Growth Spurts
Your baby will go through a growth spurt at 3 months and eat, eat, eat!
What You Can Do:
- Keep wake windows short (40 mins-1 hour)
- Keep an eye on the PPD questionnaire
- Search out lactation support if you need help
Month 4: The Famous Sleep Regression
What Really Happens During the 4-Month Sleep Regression
At month 4, it is NORMAL to:
- Start waking every 1.5-2 hours at night
- Struggle to go to sleep with the usual sleep inducing strategies
- Have developmental milestones affect night sleep and lead to long periods of wakefulness in the middle of the night
- EAT AT NIGHT – please, please, do not withhold nutrition, they NEED to eat
- Take 20-40 minute naps and if they wake happy then that is all they need
Creating a Menu of Soothing Techniques
What you can do:
- Prepare yourself, this does not last forever
- Feed your baby on demand during the day, and feed them at night
- Get out of the house because they are still mobile, use the carrier and stroller
- Don’t expect a schedule
- Keep your wake windows short (90 minutes)
- Create a menu of ways for your baby to fall asleep – nurse, rock, snuggle, sing, pat
Months 5-7: Navigating Continued Changes
Normal Night Wakings at This Age
During months 5/6/7, it is NORMAL to:
- Still eat lots at night
- Still take short naps, although they will likely start to lengthen
- Struggle to go down to bed with the usual sleep inducing strategies
- Eat more, growth spurt at this time
- Fight bedtime
- Have lots of developmental milestones lead to interrupted night sleep and long periods of wakefulness
- Start experiencing separation anxiety
- Be waking early
- Need more parental support and snuggles during the day
- Be more distracted during the day
Why Starting Solids Won’t Improve Sleep
DO NOT feed solids earlier than 6 months (the WHO recommendation). There is no research to support it leads to better sleep and can have the opposite impact.
What You Can Do:
- Feed smaller, more frequent feeds
- Continue working on the menu of ways to soothe your baby to sleep
- Feed at night (please, please keep feeding if they need food)
- Watch your wake windows and keep between 1hr45-2.5 hours
- Use motion to get the last catnap
- Don’t forget they are still small and are easily overstimulated
- Seek out lactation support if you are unsure of feeding
Months 8-12: The Separation Anxiety Peak
Understanding Increased Night Wakings
From months 8-12, it is NORMAL to:
- Have bedtime battles in a previously good sleeper
- Drop the catnap
- Need mom more
- Wake and need to eat at night again
- Need more snuggles at bedtime
- Have one or two long wakes in the middle of the night
- If they are learning to walk or starting daycare… here comes the peak of separation anxiety
- Refuse the afternoon nap
- If you only have one way to put them to sleep, this may be taking longer and longer at night
Supporting Your Baby Through Major Developmental Leaps
What you can do:
- SUPPORT them through this leap and show them you are there. It is just a phase, they will need more support
- Cap the morning nap to get the afternoon nap
- Build a bond to a lovey
- Seek out lactation support
Taking Care of Yourself as a Sleep-Deprived Parent
Recognizing Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression
Keep an eye on your mental health throughout this journey. The baby blues are common in the first few weeks, but if you’re feeling persistently sad, anxious, or overwhelmed, speak to your doctor. You deserve support.
Building Your Support Network
Remember: it really does take a village. Don’t be afraid to:
- Ask family and friends for specific help
- Hire professional support if possible
- Join parent groups for connection
- Take breaks when you can
Practical Self-Care for Exhausted Parents
Self-care doesn’t have to be elaborate. Find 2-3 small things you can do daily that make you feel good – even if it’s just a hot cup of coffee or a 5-minute shower alone.
Creating Your Family’s Sleep Plan
Adapting Expectations to Your Unique Baby
Every baby is different. Your friend’s baby might sleep through the night at 3 months, while yours wakes every 2 hours at 9 months. Both are normal. Focus on what works for YOUR family.
Making Peace with Your Sleep Reality
You can always make changes down the road if needed, but for now, know that your baby is likely already doing what they should be doing – or something close! This phase is temporary, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Remember: This Too Shall Pass
The first year of your baby’s life is intense, exhausting, and overwhelming. It’s also temporary. Your baby won’t wake every 2 hours forever. They won’t need to sleep on you forever. You will sleep again.
What matters most is that you and your baby are supported, loved, and doing your best. That’s more than enough.
